A YSA in Four Parts

Part 1 - Prologue

I awoke with some goopy shit in my eyes.

It wasn't severe or debilitating, just a message from my body that there is a health storm a-brewin' in my head and I need to visit a licensed health care practitioner today so I can get some drops or something. This stuff always starts on Friday and goes crazy on the weekend. Eye funk is a real party animal.

Bottom line? I had to squeeze a doctor's visit into my yardsaling itinerary.

Yardsaling Day is the only day I willingly get out of bed in the morning at the same time as my husband. He has a Real Job, you see, to earn money for my yardsaling adventurism. Usually, he wakes at such an ungodly hour that I don't even consider stirring. He's lucky if I open my eyes and grunt when he kisses me goodbye at 6:45 AM. But on yardsale day I am Up and At 'Em! With pep in my step!

I tell myself that this is a flaw in my wifery. I should arise daily when my husband does and fry up some eggs and bacon! Surely he wishes I would keep him company in the early hours of each day. He must certainly long for sweet and gentle banter between 6 and 7 AM. This morning, as he shaved and did other weird man morning things, and as I got dressed for my adventure, I discerned the truth.

He asked, "Are those good yardsaling shoes, Nancy?"

To you, an outsider to our 20 year marriage, this seems like a benign question. He even comes off as considerate, right? "Look how that sweet man cares about his wife's footwear!" That is what you will say to your fellow blog readers.

But I can tell you he was smirking when he asked that question. I will provide you with the subtext of that simple question, the true intention of his gentle words:

"You are a serious dork, Nancy. You take yardsaling too seriously. I know you bought those shoes for a quarter and I am mocking you for it. Furthermore, I think I much prefer getting ready for work with peace and quiet, not constant, manic chatter about your yardsale schedule."

So I spanked him and clomped out of the room with my 25 cent wood-soled Earth Shoes in saddle brown and my computer-generated yardsale itinerary.

Humph.

The kids and I loaded up the car for our adventure. Louie was the last to leave the house because he had to gather all of his important papers, a pen, and Pokemon reference materials.

"Aw... look at him. He's the cutest nerd in the world." I said to myself, as he ran to the van, feeling affection for my young teenager's naiveté and thankfulness that he didn't hear me call him a nerd.

As we pulled away from the curb, Oscar asked, "Mom, what's a nerd?"

Louie answered immediately, "It is someone who is very smart about something that's not cool and then gloats about it."

Silence fell over the van.

Louie looked down at the stack of Pokemon books in his lap. His shoulders slumped. He looked at me with a sheepish grin.

The first step is recognizing the problem, right?

Part 2 - The sales

I found this chair.

I love unusual chairs for kids' rooms or kids' play spaces. This one called to me. Upon asking the price I was told to make an offer. I offered $5. She countered with 6. Sold. But here's the thing: It is really two chairs in one! It is not a zebra-and-orange chair, it is one chair frame with two different covering options, one zebra, one orange. At home I have a frame of similar size which came from my neighbor Julie's yardsale for free because it was left behind when the Klekners (of pirate party fame - see two weeks ago) moved!

Here are the two covers adorning the two chair frames. This equals two complete chairs for $6!

And here is Henry modeling a serious pimp hat. Why didn't I buy this?!

And here is Donny with a hat one could wear on a VERY sunny day:

Later in the day, we met Kevin. From this photo, you may assume, like I did, that Kevin was having a yardsale to raise money to finish siding his house:

I really liked Kevin. He was generous with information. Here is what I learned about him: he has been a union iron worker for over 20 years, he is a designer of things, and he often refers to himself in the third person. "Kevin paid $150 for that when it was new! But you can have it for $50!" Also, I learned that when a "job" is finished, OSHA requires that the company leave behind some of its equipment and buy fresh items for the next job. That is how he came to own these many straps:

These straps are SUPER STRONG! They have labels on them that tell you how many pounds they can support and how you should use them. They are strongest if you "saddle" them in a "U" shape and weakest if you "choke" them in a criss-cross manner. My pretty green straps, for which I paid $8, can support 5 tons and 2 tons, respectively. Other straps in this photo could haul twice that weight. I now own the proper tools to pull a car or lift a steel I-beam. Kevin designed this swing seat on the spot:

If I cut a piece of wood in the shape he drew on that piece of paper, I can hook the straps in the indented parts and make a swing. A swing that will support a 5 ton elephant.

Tune in next week to see what I decide to do with the Super Straps of Sturdiness!

Somewhere in downtown Belleville, we started to see signs advertising a sale on Beykirch. All the signs were on similarly sized poster board in florescent hues. They all said the same thing in the same script.

There was no mistaking that they all were advertising the same sale.

And we soon noticed that they were posted on every corner in town.

We had no choice but to follow them. We were thoroughly intrigued. What treasure awaited us at the end of this map of signs? With such brilliant marketing, their merchandising and display must be spectacular! We followed the signs for miles. I swear. When we finally wound our way through Belleville and arrived at the mysterious destination, we discovered that it was a gold mine! A gold mine for people who love to decorate for the holidays! Here is a sample of their wares:

Now, I am very enthusiastic about many things, but extreme holiday decorating is not one of them. So I didn't buy anything at this super-hyped sale. But the opportunity to interview the proprietor was irresistible. Specifically, I wanted to know how many signs had he posted?!

"First we got six packs of six. Then that wasn't enough so we went back for a fifty pack. Then we used three more pieces from another pack."

That's 89 signs, Readers.

I have never, in all my yardsaling adventures, nay, in all my life, seen a yardsale so well-advertised. My hat is off to you, Mr. Beykirch. You are legend.

Part 3 - The Doctor

I squeezed in a doctor's appointment at 9:45. I had to be there 15 minutes early. I think I was even earlier than that because it was between the Belleville sales and the Fairview sales and I was close to the clinic already.

The nurse checked my weight and BP and shuttled me between a few rooms.

I was in the 5x5 exam room with 4 of the 5 kids. We were trying to play some games like "The Quiet Game" and "Who Can Stare at the Wall Silently the Longest". Stuff like that. It wasn't going that well.

In walked the doc. She looked familiar, but the truth is that I have the best socialized medicine the USAF offers so I almost never see the same doc twice and when I do I can't even remember their names so it was possible I had been to this physician before and didn't recall our conversation. She looked at my eyeball and gave me some story about allergies and viruses and the unlikelihood of a bacterial infection. The bottom line, I got a scrip for some antihistamine drops but not any antibiotics. She marveled at the quantity of children I had in the office with me. I explained about the yardsaling and presented her with my card so she too could enjoy the YSA blog.

That's when we made the connection!

"You live in Signal Hill?" she asked.

I gasped. "You're the Canadian's wife!" I shouted.

We laughed hysterically. The kids were a little disarmed.

You see, there's this guy in our neighborhood. He is from Canada. He has a cool dog. He comes to all the local yardsales. He is very friendly so I usually notice him before his very sweet and quiet wife. He has introduced me to his wife at least 5 times but I am a name-retard so I forget her name as soon as we part company. In fact, until my doctor reminded me that her husband's name is Nathan, I seriously just called him "The Canadian". And she is Aubrey, The Canadian's wife! And now she is my doctor! Well, at least today she was my doctor. I am certain I will never see her again in a professional capacity. But if I ever get the funky eyeball again during a weekend or a holiday I will just waltz right over to her house and request a scrip for antihistamine drops! It's good to have connections.

Part 4 - Epilogue

I enjoyed my children today. They were playful and cooperative. I was able to teach them about architecture. Specifically, what qualifies as a "trailer" and why it is also called a "mobile home".

We saw some interesting yard art, like this dead bush adorned with empty wine bottles.

Also this patchwork fence.

And this very rocky front step situation.

I learned a few things today as well. For instance, advertising excellence does not always indicate a robust sale. Also, waking your children up very early during summer vacation buys you a morning of adventure and an afternoon of quarreling. And finally, the word "asshead" is an accepted, offensive term used by some preteens in the heat of battle.

Until tomorrow...

Nancy