Housewifery: A Defense of 21st Century Housewives

Oh, Readers. I'm sorry for the painful break in YSA postage! Our kids started school last week and we have been consumed with parent duties. And as Laura continues to be a student herself, she is doubly busy. She goes to class all day. In contrast, I sit around on my ass all day while my kids are in school. Ha. Not really. That was just my segue into the next paragraph.

Last week my husband's friend said to him, "What does Nancy do all day? You should really get her back into the workforce."

This friend, whom we will call by a pseudonym to protect him from the wrath of housewives everywhere, holds the same rank and pay grade as my husband. He is childfree and recently married a lovely childfree woman who also has a professional career and corresponding paycheck. We will give her a pseudonym as well. Let's call them Juan and Leeza McMajewski.

Juan wonders what I do all day. Of course, if Juan knew me when all five of my children were under eight he would not have asked this question. The answer would have been too obvious: housewives with five-under-eight wipe a lot of asses and read a lot of board books.

But now I am a housewife with five-between-seven-and-fourteen. They go to school all day. They all wipe their own asses and can read their own books.

So what do I do all day?

Oh, Juan, I'm afraid you will be sorry you asked.

I facilitate good hygiene.

I drive or escort people to school.

I encourage good manners.

I exercise, because it is good housewife strategy to remain attractive to the breadwinner.

I transport people to places where they have extra-curricular commitments.

I launder huge amounts of clothing.

I put some of this clean laundry away.

I wash the rims of toilets coated with errant urine.

I purchase enormous quantities of food.

I prepare, cook, and serve that food.

I scrub toothpaste residue from sinks.

I load and unload the dishwasher more times in one day than you do in a week.

I collect Nerf bullets from around the house and yard.

I put carefully selected and literarily significant books back on shelves.

I vacuum dirt from carpets.

I Windex fingerprints off windows and woodwork.

I scrub gum off floors.

I pick up dog shit.

I assist with homework.

I call doctors and orthodontists.

I transport people to appointments with doctors and orthodontists.

I email teachers about curriculum and performance.

I solicit businesses for donations to the school fundraiser.

I ease teachers' burdens by Xeroxing, collating, stapling, and filing.

I purchase unfathomable amounts of toilet paper.

I retrieve people from school.

I participate in "quality time" with children so they know they are valued and loved.

Juan, if I was "back into the workforce" I would not have the time to do all these things between 8 and 4. Someone would still have to do all these things. Either I would do them at other times or my husband would have to do them during his off-hours.

What I do is ease the burden on the rest of the family so they can enjoy their after-work-after-school time interacting with each other in pleasurable ways.

The End.